Dear Journal,
I have recently left my family and my friends. I am with Govinda and we are going to the Samanas to seek enlightenment. I hope the Samanas will help me with what I'm looking for. I miss my dad very much. Being a Samana is hard. We have to fast all the time. Sometimes for 20 days at a time. I have lost a lot of weight. I have learned different types of meditation and self-denial. I sit upright and have learned to hold my breath and quiet my heartbeat.
I enjoy being with the Samanas, but I feel that if I were by myself, I could have learned everything much faster. Govinda is with me and has learned a lot. He seems to be enjoying himself. When I beg, I see the rich people and look down upon them. They don't know as much as I do. They do not know the arts of meditation and fasting.
Often, I stand in the pouring rain with blood dripping down my body. I suffer and accept it. I ignore my pain and practice self-denial. I ignore what my body needs. My back is sunburnt and I feel thirsty and hungry. I learn to ignore the pain.
I'm ready to leave the Samanas. I have learned of a greater power, Gotama. I want to learn what he did to reach Nirvana. I feel that I will learn more from him than I have here. Before I left, I hypnotized the eldest Samana. The other ascetics seem to be very impressed. It was child's play, very easy. Sometimes I don't understand how stupid people are.
-Siddhartha
 |
| Buddhist Robe |
 |
| Ferryman's Boat |
Dear Journal,
Lately I have been questioning the purpose of being a Brahmin any longer. I have already learned and understood all of the teachings and I feel the urge to go out and learn more. I ask myself daily if the sacrifices give happiness. And what about the gods? Was it good and right, was it a sensible and worthy act to offer sacrifices to the gods? Where is Atman and why do they not recognize him as the creator of the world?
I wish to go out and achieve Nirvana. This has been inspired by encountering the Samanas. I hear that these Samanas deny themselves food, clothes, shelter, and other things that most people feel they could not live without in order to reach their goal of enlightenment.
I knew that before setting off to join the Samanas I would have to speak with my father to ask for his approval. When I mentioned my idea, he sat quietly and still for many moments. When he finally spoke, he said that my words of request for permission upset him and that he did not wish for me to go on with the Samanas. I didn't know what to do, so I just stood in the room until night. I could hear my father come in periodically through out the night to check if I was still in the room. There wasn't anything I wanted more than to become a Samana to learn more, so if i wanted permission I knew that I would have to stay stubborn. Finally, my father gave me permission. This made me very excited and thankful to my father.
There was also some one else I had to talk to about my decision, my good friend Govinda. While meditating together I brought to attention that I wanted to join the Samanas on their journey. He asked me if my father would allow me to go with them. I could see in his face that he realized our paths would begin to separate.
I left at dawn and as I walked out of town I found Govinda waiting for me. We joined the Samanas. I cannot wait until we learn from the ascetics.
- Siddhartha
